We Need You
by NyxenEclipse
Summary: Ratchet breaks and Optimus picks up the pieces of his shattered medic.


Ratchet shakes.

Ratchet shakes and it never stops. It started when they lost Optimus- when he lost Optimus. When the weight of leadership fell heavily on his shoulders. When he stopped recharging. When he stopped refuelling. But he can't stop shaking. Most of the time it's a minute trembling in his servos, but sometimes he must hid in his med bay when it becomes a full body quake that _just won't stop_. It's been almost a month since Optimus returned to them, and everyone seems to have recovered from it. But Ratchet hasn't. Ratchet just can't move past it.

It's as though something in him has broken and he can't put it back together. He can't stop the poisonous thoughts which invade his mind whenever he's alone. The thoughts which tell him he's worthless, that he isn't good enough, that give him lists and lists of every single one of his many failures. The images dance before his optics, taunting him.

They won't go away. He lashes out at the others from the frustration of it all. They leave him alone, which only makes the memories worse. He barely recharges anymore. There's too much. The stress is too much for him to relax enough, and even if he manages to pass out, the nightmares come out at full force. It's all he can do to keep from screaming out loud.

He barely refuels anymore. The energon becomes thick and heavy in his tanks and it makes him feel sick. The precious fuel is wasted on him anyway. He doesn't matter. He's not important. As long as the others are alright. He would make do. But his optics keep blurring and he can't focus. But he pushes on anyway because he doesn't matter. He fixes tool after tool because they _just keep_ _breaking_.

Just like him.

But he needs them. So, he keeps fixing them. They keep breaking. He keeps fixing them. It never stops and all he wants is for the cycle to end. But it doesn't, because he never really fixes anything, and they always end up broken again. The breaks make him wonder if it's really worth it; if the team is better off without him. But he's selfish and can't ever face up to that reality. So, he continues his loop of fixing things only to watch them break again. It isn't fair, but then again- nothing ever is.

"Ratchet."

The voice behind him makes him flinch because the shaking won't stop. They can't know- _He_ can't know. Because if they do, if they know how useless Ratchet is, he'll have to go. He'll be alone for good. And he can't bear that.

"What is it, Optimus?" His voice box grates and scratches from his yelling and snapping.

Heavy pedes tread closer and a warm servo settles on his shoulder. Ratchet can't bring himself to look at the faceplate it belongs to.

"You're shaking."

He knows, he knows. Optimus knows. No, no, no. "I'm fine, I'm fine."

Optimus turns him so he can look into his medic's optics. Ratchet does his best to avoid the piercing gaze, but Optimus's optics always find his.

"No, you're not."

Ratchet jerks back sharply. No, no. Primus, don't let Optimus be the one to cast him aside. He would never be able to take that. His walls are rising up quickly and he's still shaking. "I'm fine, Optimus! Now leave me alone!" His voice is a harsh snarl. He didn't mean it that way, but everything is too much, too much.

Hurt wells in Optimus's optics and the guilt cuts Ratchet to his core. No. He doesn't want to be alone. But the hurt isn't alone; there's understanding there too. Optimus's optics are a pool of so much emotion, Ratchet can't put words to them all.

"When was the last time you recharged? Or refuelled?" Though Optimus phrases it as a question, Ratchet knows that he isn't looking for an answer.

"I've been busy." Ratchet admits quietly.

Optimus steps closer to Ratchet, reaching out, but not actually touching the medic. "You need to rest, Ratchet."

Ratchet feels the shaking spread from his servos throughout his body. It's blatantly obvious now. "I'm fine. I'll manage. I have work to do."

Optimus's optics soften. "Which you will not accomplish by working yourself to the brink, old friend."

The hard truth has Ratchet's shoulders slumping in defeat. He knows this all too well. But he can't stop. If he stops, he thinks and if he thinks, he remembers.

"I'm fine." Ratchet can't stop the familiar words from leaving his mouth.

Optimus just shakes his head and takes another step closer. Ratchet doesn't move. He's too tired. "Ratchet, stop. Please."

Against his will, Ratchet's shoulders hunch even further down. The weight of his burdens is about to crush him. He shakes. Optimus steps closer. The Prime's servos rest gently on Ratchet's forearms. Ratchet could shake him off easily if he wanted to.

"Old friend."

Ratchet crumbles. His legs can't hold him up anymore and he tumbles towards the ground. Optimus's strong arms are the only thing that keeps Ratchet from crashing to the floor. Instead, Optimus eases him down carefully. Ratchet gasps and chokes on his own sobs as he kneels on the cold concrete of the base. Just as he begins to lose himself the fog of despair and hopelessness, Optimus pulls him into a tight embrace. But the floodgate is open and there's no stopping the tidal wave.

Ratchet screams into Optimus's shoulder, fingers digging scratches into the red and blue frame. The agonised wails that tear from his throat sound as though they belong to a wounded, feral animal; not a prideful Autobot. Yet from the Autobot they emerge, and they rip Optimus's spark as he hears them.

"_I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!_" Ratchet howls. Every shred of pain that had built up over... over Primus knows who long, ejects from Ratchet in a torrent of screams. When he's finally spent, he slumps into Optimus's arms, gasping softly under his breath.

Optimus tilts Ratchet's helm upwards to look into the medic's distraught optics. "Ratchet, what do you have to apologise for?"

Ratchet's vents hitch before he responds. "I failed. I failed Bumblebee, I failed the team... I- I failed you."

"No. You repaired Bumblebee's t-cog to full function. You lead the team admirably in my... absence. So, to what failures are you referring to?"

"Bumblebee lost his voice because I couldn't repair his voice box. The team almost fell apart because I couldn't lead them. I... almost lost you because I couldn't..."

"You didn't lose me, Ratchet. I'm here beside you."

Ratchet's grip on Optimus's armour tightened. "Why? I'm not worth it. It was my fault that you weren't."

Optimus's forehead presses against Ratchet's. The medic can feel Optimus's warm vents against his faceplate.

"No, it's not your fault. There was nothing you could have done; ejecting the Matrix had never been done before. No one could have predicted what the consequences were. And you are worth everything, old friend, and more. This I promise you."

Shuddering in Optimus's hold, Ratchet whimpers. "I just want it all to stop. I want the memories to stop. I want to stop feeling like this."

Optimus's optics close for just a moment before he slowly stands and helps a shaking Ratchet follow. Ratchet clutches desperately at Optimus to keep himself upright. His pedes feel like lead, but his legs have no strength at all. As Optimus slowly leads him from the med bay, Ratchet realises he has never been more grateful for the quiet of an empty base. The others are all out with their humans, leaving Ratchet and Optimus alone.

Ratchet doesn't know where they're going, and he doesn't care. His strength is long gone and for now, he'll rely on Optimus to steady him. It's only when Optimus leans him against the wall that Ratchet realises they're in the energon storage room.

Optimus presses an energon cube into his servos and helps him drink. For the first time in far too long, the energon tastes sweet as it enters his tanks. Once he's finished Optimus leads him along again and takes him to his berth. Ratchet collapses onto it, clinging to Optimus's servo. The Prime sits down on the berth and pulls Ratchet onto his lap as the medic's optics shutter closed.

Ratchet had been broken. And it would take a long time to put him back together, to pull him back from this. But Optimus will try. Because he will not let Ratchet be destroyed. He will not let this wretched war take away the strongest bot he knows. That is the silent vow Optimus makes as Ratchet's vents slow and the red and white frame goes limp.

For time in a long, long while, Ratchet recharges. And he dreams of how it used to be and what they will build again.


End file.
